X-Men III: The Last Crapburger

Judas Priest, where to start? Ok, let me give you a small spoiler alert! Most of my spoilers are already revealed in the commercials, so as I say- a small alert. Ummm...ok...This movie sucked. I saw it with Bill and his nephew Brandon. If you asked all three of us, we'd probably give you three different sets of reasons why it sucked, which equals a whole lot of sucking. Bill hasn't posted here in forever, but I'm hoping he'll login and tell us why he thought it sucked.

Of course there's the basic it-wasn't-like-the-comic complaint. Anyone who goes to a comic book movie knows that there's probably going to be a little bit of that. Even Josie and the Pussycats wasn't terribly faithful to the source material. But damn! There is some serious deviation going on in X-Men III. It's been a problem since the first movie but now... I'm talking people dying who have no business dying. And the Dark Phoenix storyline? Well, it's pretty watered down.

Then there's the basic premise. Maybe I'm just a nitpicky science nerd, but it seems to me that if you're going to write a movie, or for that matter a comic book, about mutants, you might want to open a dictionary at some point and look up the word "mutation." You can't "cure" mutation with an antibody. That's just stupid. Why don't the folks writing X-Men go ahead and give up on the pretense of science and just call it magic. 'Cause that's what's going on here, fucking magic. And thene there's the standard movie problem with elementary physics, like with what happens to Jugernaut at one point.

And where's Alan Cumming? Alan Cumming makes any movie better. See the afore mentioned Josie and the Pussycats, for example. Yes, do that. Don't go see X-Men III. Go rent Josie and the Pussycats instead. It's a great movie. It's got fun music, and Parker Posie, and nobody dies. Jesus, why couldn't they make a sequel to that instead?

And now here's a picture of Rebecca Romijn as Mystique. Why? Because I like her, damnit! She's a trooper. And the way she can mimic those other actors, amazing! Someone please put this woman in a good movie.

I guess everyone knows by now that Kelsey Grammer is playing the Beast. I think he was a good choice, but SO WHAT? The movie still sucks.

I'm sorry this review isn't a little more coherent, but frankly this movie doesn't deserve a coherent review. That would require me thinking about it more, and I don't want to think about this movie any more than I already have.

Man, Superman Returns better not suck.

X-Men: The Last Stand gets one and one half out of five fanboy fans.

Free Comic Book Day Review - Wizards of the Frelling Coast

In 2004, Wizards of the Coast gave us Dungeons and Dragons: Crisis in Raimiton - An Adventure Guide to Dungeons and Dragons for FCBD. It was bad, but at least it was a comic book.

This year WotC's contribution to FCBD was Magic the Gathering Core Set Ninth Edition Player's Guide. I think even Scott McCloud would agree with me that THIS IS NOT A COMIC BOOK! It's a list of cards and a bunch of stuff about how the ninth- NINTH for the love of Bob- edition of Magic is different or the same as previous editions. Ok, the Wolverine Heroclick wasn't a comic book either, but it was related to comics. This is a card game. Maybe for next year someone can convince The United States Playing Card Company to contribute something like The Bicycle Guide to Texas Hold-em.

I've never played Magic the Gathering and I never intend to, but if I did, I think I'd have prefered a free card instead. But it STILL WOULDN'T BE A FREE COMIC BOOK!

Lordy, I hate WotC. Frelling D20. They're like drug deallers, I tells ya.

Free Comic Book Day Review - Heroclix

Wizkids/Heroclix gave out Wolverine figures this year; two of them; a white shirt and a black shirt . The white shirt says "I (heart) Heroclix" on the back. The Black shirt says "WizKids" on the back. I don't play Heroclix often enough to know how good these figures are in game terms, but they look nice.

Free Comic Book Day Review - Dark Horse Comics

From Dark Horse Comics we get a Conan/Star Wars flip book.

Conan
The Conan story was a standard Conan story. Conan is hired to do something. It goes badly. Conan takes revenge on the guy who hired him. Simple and straight forward. The art is lovely. If you like Conan, you'll like it. If you don't you won't. I did.

Star Wars
Who cares? It's a damn Slave Wars- I mean "Clone" Wars- story. A bunch of slaves- er clone troopers do something. I admit it's well drawn, but again, who cares? If there weren't a Conan stroy attatched to it, I'd use it to wipe my ass. Damn you George Lucas. Damn you to hell.

Free Comic Book Day Review - Bongo Comics

Next up is Bongo Comics Free-For-All, another original FCBD offering, from the people who make Simpsons and Futuramma comics.

It's good to be able to laugh at yourself, isn't it? I mean, I shouldn't be offended that Bongo uses FCBD as an opportunity to make fun of comic book collectors, should I? The first story in the Free-For-All does just that. The rest of the book parodies various comic book cliches like evil dopplegangers and origin stories. I've seen it all before. I saw it all decades ago in a MAD magazine parody called Plastic Sam. At least it was a little funnier than Archie, but not much.

Free Comic Book Day Review - Archie

There weren't quite as many books available to me locally this year, but those are the breaks when you live in an area with only one comic shop. At least Hastings was also participating, but really that just meant I got multiple copies of the same stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to try to review all the books I got one by one. Let's pretend that I'm going alphabetically and start with Archie's 65 Anniversary Bash. Can anyone answer this burning question? Was there a time during Archie's 65 years at which he was actually funny? 'Cause seriously, this book isn't funny. Archie finds out that his dad has been offered a promotion that will mean moving from Riverdale. Archie doesn't seem too upset about having to leave all his friends behind, but decides to wander around town running into everyone he's ever met and telling them the news. During the course of the book we learn that Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Josie & The Pussycats are getting Manga make-overs, Katy Keene will be appearing soon in Archie & Friends, and the Australian duo The Veronicas still have a cross promotional deal with Archie Comics.

I don't think even the youngest reader was surprised when it turns out that Archie doesn't have to move after all. In a fit of self-reflexiveness the gang decide to turn Archie's going away party into a 65th anniversary party for Archie comics.

The one thing I do like about Archie Comic's is that they always put out a special book for FCBD rather than simply reprinting something like DC or Disney. Too bad they can't be funny as well.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!!!!!

Don't forget, folks. It's tomorrow. HUZZAH!